Boys, in the clever words of the lovely (and in fact, gay?!) 1960’s pop star Leslie Gore, YOU DON'T OWN US. So stop trying to throw down with other dudes over us as if you do.
Now, I'd be lying if I said that the idea of a guy getting all fired up and bloody isn't a tad swoon-worthy. In theory. But in practice, when you really think about the psychology behind it, it's pretty fucked up. The idea that your fists can win our affection is just so Chris Brown. Additionally, many of us are not huge fans of face-mangling. Most girls would not agree with Robin Scherbatsky's mantra of "If you're missing your teeth, I'm missing my pants." Especially not me.
I like to think that in our modern age, it is no longer acceptable to view women as your property you's a-tryin to proteck wif yer second amenment rights. I can think of many reasons why throwing punches over a girl is sexist, irrational, and just a plain bad idea.
Take Summer’s reaction in (500) Days of Summer to Joseph Gordon-Levitt's character punching another dude as an example. JGL claims to be “defending her honor.” (Whatever.) But if you look closely, his rage is actually fueled by a DB who keeps repeating “I can’t believe that guy is your boyfriend.” So, in fact, he is just trying to defend his own honor. And this ultimately becomes a turning point in their relationship (for the worse).
Although it is my Good Luck Beer Pong Anthem and I have played it 101 times on iTunes alone, I would be remiss not to mention Eve 6’s “Think Twice” in this rant. In the chorus, Max Collins simply threatens in Meathead that if another dude comes near his girlfriend, they’ll be sorry: “Think twice before you touch my girl/ Come around I’ll let you feel the burn.” Oooh, I’m scared. Are you really gonna let me “feel the burn,” ginger?
I think the perfect music video to this absurd proclamation (instead of the real video of him hitting himself in the face) would be clips from the Eric Visits Again episode of Undeclared. Jason Segel’s character has just learned that his girlfriend cheated on him, and he is on a ridiculous, psychotic man-hunt to find the kid she did it with and “beat him up so bad.” Unlike Eve 6, this scene does not take itself seriously. Boys, when you make comments about messing up other dudes, that scene shows how comically insane you look.
Worse yet than Eve 6’s little display of raw male emotion is the entire musical career of the band Stroke 9. The band had two singles: “Kick Some Ass” and “Little Black Backpack.” The former declares: “If you put your hands upon her, you’re a goner.” The latter claims, “Don’t wanna tango with you, I’d rather tangle with him/ I think I’m gonna bash his head in.” There was an important lesson to be learned on that day in 2002. A band cannot build their career on the dreams of ass-kicking alone. Stroke 9 learned this lesson the hard way. Have you ever even heard of Stroke 9?
Of course, there are situations where an ass-whopping is in order, but they don’t come up as frequently as one might think. On the OC, Ryan Atwood rightfully chooses to FUCK Trey (his brother) UP when he learns that, while on drugs, Trey attempted to rape Marissa (his girlfriend).
Even under these extreme circumstances, we soon realize that throwing punches might have been the wrong choice, especially since Trey just got out of prison and what not. Beefed up from fighting his prison bitches, Trey is soon dominating at this fight to the death. And then out of nowhere, Marissa shoots Trey in the back and all of a sudden Imogen Heap starts playing.
Deserved as it might have been, if Ryan had been able to restrain himself, he might not have put Marissa in that compromising of a situation. And if he hadn’t put her in that compromising of a situation, then maybe she wouldn’t have freaked out and thrown her laptop across the room while she was trying to explain her felony on her college applications. Which was quite enjoyable to watch. So yeah, I guess he did the right thing after all.
So in sum, boys, when it comes to “fighting over a girl,” violence is never the answer. Worse than the violence itself is your backward notion of “having a girl” that it represents. BTW, did you know that you’re also not getting a dowry when you finally find some unsuspecting nit-wit of a girl to marry you? Big bummer, right?
