Tuesday, July 9, 2013

new app creates tweets for those too dumb to articulate emotions

PALO ALTO, CA: For 7 years now, Twitter has been reducing our profound notions, political statements, and feelings surrounding Chris Brown to just 140 characters. But for some area men and women, that is just too much.

“How do I say stuff?” said Chad Johnson, 22. When asked to elaborate, he grunted.

This is exactly what software startup, EmotMe, was anticipating.

“This is the 21st century,” Kip Andrews, 25-year-old CEO of the startup, stated in an interview yesterday. “There is just too much out there for people to really know how they feel.” As he retreated farther into his hoodie, he added, “And stuff.”

The app works by scanning relevant emails, Facebook posts, text messages, bank statements, Snapchats, etc. After compiling data from other apps, the app makes an estimation of how the user might be feeling, and since the user is too clueless to be aware of their own emotions, the app is always right.

“In the past month, I’ve lost the house, quit AA, gone through a divorce, and gotten a root canal,” said EmotMe user Shelbi Fry, 32. “I was at a loss for words. EmotMe tweeted, ‘Y does evrything happen so much,’ for me. Couldn’t have said it better myself.”

Tom Guilianio, 28, said that he got EmotMe when he was feeling rejected. “Nobody was responding to my Snapchats.” When we inquired about the content of his Snapchats, he winked and said, “Hehh.” 

EmotMe picked up on these feelings of rejection and crafted, “Bitchez just be jealos dey don look as sexy wit dey close off.”

“Man, I never thought of it that way,” said Guilianio. “But now I might even get a tattoo of it!” At the very least, he informed us, he is going to make it his Myspace tagline.

EmotMe will come free with the iPhone 6.