Monday, October 29, 2012

wasted words on lower cases and bigger ones

Due to being inside for the last three days, I’ve had more than enough time to mull over the fact that one of my keyboard keys is broken.

Kind of like teeth, not every keyboard key is equally crucial. I'd say I lost the second to last molar of my keyboard. I lost a letter that is used frequently enough that it isn’t a Z or an X by any means, but it’s even less of an E or a T. I miss it, just as I’m sure I’d sorely miss that second to last molar, but I’m no Danny Brown. I’m learning to deal.

Yes, there are things I could do. I could Ctrl+C and Ctrl+V, or I could reassign the letter to some virgin key just waiting to become a sudden necessity. You’d like that, [, wouldn’t you? I’d like to do it for you. Like Naughty By Nature, I’m down with Other Individual’s Genitalia. Maybe I will one day. But for now, I’m kind of enjoying the weird challenge of refraining from using the letter in question.

In my emails, on my wall, and everywhere else I make my incessantly lame internet existence known, I’ve been trying to do without. I like to think that it’s causing my brain to remain on the ball in the face of a totally trivial adversity. And the result is somewhere between me sounding overly scholarly and like English is my second language. Like a mysterious individual. One that I might even like were I to meet them!

So I guess my thesis is this: there are things that we think are necessary in life. Like deodorant. Or chairs. But are they really? If they were to vanish suddenly, would we find better things to stick under our arms? Would we find better devices on which to sit? Could writing without using a letter become my thing? Like not cursing on his tracks was Will Smith’s thing? Or like celibacy was Morrisey and then also Rivers Cuomo’s thing? (Sadly, music always gets weird when there’s celibacy involved.)

Would anyone even notice?

Monday, October 8, 2012

brief feminist rant about a macy's commercial

Anyone who knows me well knows that I am not a feminist.

The problem isn’t that I “don’t like women.” That is wrong. I absolutely love women. It’s bitches that I hate.

Women include: Neko Case, Anne Frank, Amy Poehler.

Bitches include: nearly everyone else. Girls that stop hanging out with their friends when they get a boyfriend. Girls that go to college just so that they can meet a husband. Girls that don’t care what they are when they grow up, so long as they’re a mom.

Bitches let themselves become someone’s bitch, and that is why I have no sympathy for them. And that is why the latest Macy’s commercial is particularly disturbing to me.

“Because you’re more than just a mom,” declares the dumb announcer as the Stepford-wives looking woman steps out of her Stepford-wives looking house. The mom confidently strides down the perfect path that paves her front lawn, waving and smiling, until--SQUEAK-- she steps on a kid’s toy.

This brings her back to reality and reminds her that no, she’s not more than just a mom.

But then, something magical happens. Then someone reminds her that, indeed, there is a reason that she was put on this earth other than to pump out offspring. Her bubbly blonde neighbor, presumably another full-time mom, emerges from her home. “Cute boots!” she calls at her neighbor.

Our “more than just a mom” character smiles up triumphantly. Poorly animated fireworks and the word “VICTORY” flash across the screen.

Really? Is this what you live for, women? The approval of the woman next door who has as few of her own interests and personality as you do? Be careful, woman next door...thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s goods. Better run to Macy’s and grab yourself a pair.

And who do we have to thank for these wonderful, life-changing boots? Carlos Santana, says the announcer. A man. Carlos Santana, what are you doing making women’s boots, anyway? I liked you better when you were collaborating with Rob Thomas. These ladies’ boots? Not so “smooth.”

So ultimately, my point is this: it’s the 21st century. Women, you have all the resources in place to be more than just a mom. And that can even extend past impressing your lame neighbor with your new Carlos Santana boots.

Okay, rant over. You go back to your normal life, and I’ll go back to sowing my moongarden.

Thursday, October 4, 2012

four indie rock road trip ideas

4. Bon Iver: Plan to go to Lisbon, OH, Hinnom, TX, Calgary, and Perth. In actuality, just find a remote cabin in northwestern Wisconsin and cry.

3. Arcade Fire: Drive around the suburbs. Reflect on how difficult it was to grow up in them.

2. Neutral Milk Hotel: Construct a time machine/teleportation device and go back to Holland in 1945. Find Anne Frank and ask her if she wants to join your Mile High Club in the aeroplane over the sea.

1. Sufjan Stevens: Say you are going to all 50 states. Instead, just go to two and call it quits.