Monday, October 8, 2012

brief feminist rant about a macy's commercial

Anyone who knows me well knows that I am not a feminist.

The problem isn’t that I “don’t like women.” That is wrong. I absolutely love women. It’s bitches that I hate.

Women include: Neko Case, Anne Frank, Amy Poehler.

Bitches include: nearly everyone else. Girls that stop hanging out with their friends when they get a boyfriend. Girls that go to college just so that they can meet a husband. Girls that don’t care what they are when they grow up, so long as they’re a mom.

Bitches let themselves become someone’s bitch, and that is why I have no sympathy for them. And that is why the latest Macy’s commercial is particularly disturbing to me.

“Because you’re more than just a mom,” declares the dumb announcer as the Stepford-wives looking woman steps out of her Stepford-wives looking house. The mom confidently strides down the perfect path that paves her front lawn, waving and smiling, until--SQUEAK-- she steps on a kid’s toy.

This brings her back to reality and reminds her that no, she’s not more than just a mom.

But then, something magical happens. Then someone reminds her that, indeed, there is a reason that she was put on this earth other than to pump out offspring. Her bubbly blonde neighbor, presumably another full-time mom, emerges from her home. “Cute boots!” she calls at her neighbor.

Our “more than just a mom” character smiles up triumphantly. Poorly animated fireworks and the word “VICTORY” flash across the screen.

Really? Is this what you live for, women? The approval of the woman next door who has as few of her own interests and personality as you do? Be careful, woman next door...thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s goods. Better run to Macy’s and grab yourself a pair.

And who do we have to thank for these wonderful, life-changing boots? Carlos Santana, says the announcer. A man. Carlos Santana, what are you doing making women’s boots, anyway? I liked you better when you were collaborating with Rob Thomas. These ladies’ boots? Not so “smooth.”

So ultimately, my point is this: it’s the 21st century. Women, you have all the resources in place to be more than just a mom. And that can even extend past impressing your lame neighbor with your new Carlos Santana boots.

Okay, rant over. You go back to your normal life, and I’ll go back to sowing my moongarden.

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