Okay, so we’re not the 212. We are not deserving of
countless anthems. In fact, almost everyone who lives here fucking hates it
here and would give their right thumb to live anywhere else. But like, someone
in the music industry, just acknowledge our existence, please?
Someone? Anyone?
Are you there, Jason Derulo? It’s me, Marissa.
In college, one of my roommates put a map up in our kitchen that
he found on the Internet. It highlighted the area code locations of Ludacris’
hoes. The map was ripe with factual data and was an anthropological study of
sorts. From this map, I garnered
three pieces of information:
1 1) There is a Ho Belt, nearly synonymous with the
Bible Belt, in the southern part of the US.”
2 2) There are hoes in central Indiana (317), half of
Nebraska (402), and Milwaukee (414), but NO HOES in Nova. I beg to differ.
Ludacris, I will take you to Arlington on a Saturday night. You will see hoes.
In fact, you will see nothing BUT hoes. You might even find that there are so
many hoes that you need one of these.
3 3) I should maybe consider switching my major to
anthropology?
Since I felt so blatantly excluded from Ludacris’ cell phone
(he’s got his condoms in a big ass SACK! He can’t spare a few on the metro
area?) I have been on a quest to find a shout-out ever since. And everywhere I
look, I am misled or just offended.
In his mesmerizing swan song “Miss New Booty,” Bubba Sparxxx
begins his opus with “College Park Bubba Sparxxx!”
That’s okay, We’ll take that. It’s technically in Maryland,
but it’s still the metro area—NOPE! He is referring to the OTHER College Park,
a part of Atlanta. Which really makes more sense if you take a look at the
guy’s body.
Maybe we need to cast our net wider. I’ll even count the Eastern
Shore as an extension of the ‘burbs if I can get it. In MGMT’s groove-thang
shaker “Electric Feel,” we get what seems like a shout-out to those parts. But
according to rapgenius.com, a very reliable source that I found on the Internet,
“’All along the Western front’ and ‘All along the Eastern shore’ are lines used
to visualize ‘worldwide,’ or coast to coast. So MGMT’s just talking about
global sex.”
But really, when aren’t they?
One would hope that Dave Grohl, who grew up in Springfield
and attended Thomas Jefferson and Bishop Ireton (the latter of which he
transferred to because, “the marijuana usage was affecting his grades”) could
throw us a bone at some point in the Foo Fighters discography.
And then, in 2011, he did. He gave us “Arlandria,” which I
at first thought was his own term for Arlington and Alexandria combined, but
it’s actually the name of a neighborhood in Del Ray. Obscure. So far, I like
it.
But then I listened to him whine, “You are not me,
Arlandria, Arlandria/ You and what army, Arlandria, Arlandria?”
Oh come on, Dave Grohl. I got made fun of in high school,
too (although I didn’t go to TJHSST, so I had more of an excuse not to fit in),
but you don’t see me claiming, “Shame, shame go away/ Come again some other
day/ Memories keep haunting me.”
Ugh. Just shut your enormous D.S.L., Mr. Grohl. I would
estimate like 99.995% of the US can’t even tell you what you mean by Arlandria.
So I like how this is your little dig at us that only we will get.
In a sad Washingtonpost.com Post Local article,
overzealous blogger Tom Jackman hears Arlandria once and speculates that, “It
has the elements of an anthem." He even claims that the lyrics are “SO wrong on the Internet” because he wants it to be true. I’ll grasp at straws for an anthem,
but this is basically The Foo Fighters’ northern VA version of The
Decemberist’s “Los Angeles, I’m Yours.” But not as funny to me. Because I hate L.A.
So now that my options have been exhausted, someone, anyone:
please write us a northern VA anthem. I know you aren’t even from here, Jason
Derulo, but at this point, even you would do. Be the hero that Nova deserves,
Mr. Derulo.
JUH-JUH-JUH-JUH-JAY ARRRR.
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