don't get hanged

Contrary to popular belief, there is more than one kind of hangover. For decades, scientists were under the impression that there was only one kind of hangover: the kind you wake up with (Hangovertes Mellitus Type I.) But ladies and gentlemen, my life of late has proved otherwise. Hangovers don’t just strike the innocent. Just like another disease to which I will not directly allude, there is another type of hangover that, by living your day in a sloppy, unhealthy, frowned upon way, you can fuck yourself into having. You might try to tell me, oh no, Marissa, this kind of thing doesn’t run in my family. Well guess what? It doesn’t matter. Hangovertes Mellitus Type II is deadly, and it doesn’t discriminate. If you aren’t careful, you could be next.

The ideal morning after a night of wastecasing—roll over at noon. Look at the clock. Cancel all plans. Roll back over. Get up at 3 (If it’s Sunday, get up at 2:50. I know every minute counts, but so does every ounce of fat). Go to Bodo’s. Order your normal order X2. Actually, in an ideal morning, these steps would be skipped by you handing your credit card and an exhaustively detailed order form to a friend (it better be munster cheese this time, not provolone, you absent-minded fuck). Consume Bodo’s. Go back to bed. Begin your day as the sun sets.

You might wake up at 9:30 and say no man, I’m fine! You’re not fine. You’re like a little kid gallivanting around a mine field shouting “I feel so alive!” Come 1 or 2, that hangover is going to strike you with a sadistic smile.

Unfortunately for me, I’ve been an irresponsible morning person. I will admit, I’ve tried to attend a 9 am after a night of drinking. I’ve tried to go to work. I’ve even tried to drive two hours home to Alexandria. And do you know what I’ve received as punishments (respectively) for my thoughtless actions? 1. A pool of vomit in a New Cabell Hall stall 2. A pool of vomit in a chocolate store toilet 3. A puddle of vomit in a certain Alexandria driveway.

Hangovertes Mellitus Type II is a serious medical condition (so what if it’s not on WebMD? Neither is penis envy) that can affect all of us if we’re not careful. Don’t be stupid. Functioning is overrated.