Stalking used to be easy.
In
high school, all you had to do was wait for the day the school directory came
out, steal your mom’s minivan after she went to sleep, drive it to the person’s
house, break in their back door, tiptoe to their room, reach under their
mattress, take their diary, and take a heavenly whiff of their hair before
bailing out of their second story window.
In
college, all you had to do was send them a Facebook friend request, wait to get
rejected as usual, take a picture of the hot girl on your hall, make a fake
profile for her, send a new request from said hot girl, and voilà: you knew
everything you needed to know.
Nowadays, there is the feeling that you can never really know everything
there is to know about a person. The rise of apps and websites with
user-created profiles has created a diversification of trivial information that
can be found. Stalkers these days might feel like a tiny sand crab staring into
the endless Pacific Ocean. We meekly tap our pincers on our keyboards. Wherever
to begin?
Do
they have a Google+ account? What are those even for, anyway?
What is their most watched YouTube video? Please don’t let it be David
After Dentist or any of those Annoying Orange ones…
Do
they have an OkCupid? Are they even INTERESTED in your gender? Does their
profile picture include a dog, guitar, or small child? If so, you don’t stand a
chance.
What was the last article they read on Yahoo News?
What was the last pair of running shoes they bought on Zappos? Is their
gait neutral?
Do
they have a LinkedIn? God, I hope not.
Did someone think they were worthy of having a Vimeo?
What songs do they thumbs-down on Pandora?
How many fights have they started via YouTube comments? How many have
they walked away from with their head held high?
What is
their top-played Portuguese electro-pop ballad from the 90’s on Spotify?
DID THEY
HAVE A XANGA IN MIDDLE SCHOOL AND OH MY GOD IS IT CACHED SOMEWHERE IN THE
DEPTHS OF THE INTERNET?
How many classics are on their Goodreads bookshelf
Are they smarter than a 5th grader?
What are their favorite buttons on Fart Soundboard?
Who do they follow on Twitter? How many of their tweets end in #YOLO?
Wait, WAIT! Do they have a Blogger? Do they use it to tell you their
opinions on women, Howard Huge, Skrillex, and emo?
Well never mind, then! Your
target’s an open book!
Fuck.
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