Rivers Cuomo, the Don Juan of the 90’s, and clearly an enlightened member of Feminism Is For Everyone, proclaims: “I want a girl who will laugh for no one else/ When I'm away she puts her makeup on the shelf/ When I'm away she never leaves the house/ I want a girl who laughs for no one else.” Nice.
What happens to girls who date Rivers Cuomo? Well, in one relevant case study, they were driven to insanity and then dumped Rivers Cuomo. Next, they started dating Elliott Smith, expressing their newly instated hatred of men by stabbing him to death. Oh, they say he killed himself? Riiiiiiiiight.
Tracy Chapman - “Fast Car”
The song starts off as an idealistic tune about working-class people pulling themselves up by their bootstraps. The chorus evokes a surreal, I-feel-so-alive feeling before everything goes awry.
But oh, how it goes awry. And not in some kind of sexy, drugged-out way. Things go awry in the falling-out of-love, that’s-just-life, my-mom-and-dad-probably-loved-each-other-once kind of way.
Says Chapman at the end of the nearly 5-minute saga: “You got a fast car/ And I got a job that pays all our bills/ You stay out drinking late at the bar/ See more of your friends than you do of your kids...So take your fast car and keep on driving."
All I can say is all Eminem could say at the end of “Stan”: DAMN.
Third Eye Blind - “Losing A Whole Year”
So, you’re Vanessa Carlton. You’ve done the whole anorexic ballerina thing, you went to Columbia and majored in English and bisexuality, you made a song that was perfect for Kay Jewelers commercials and then decided to take a turn for the Alanis on your next few albums...so now what? What is a girl to do when she’s done it all in life?
You do Stephan Jenkins.
I understand that the timeline is completely off here, but I like to think that Stephan Jenkins traveled back in time after dating Vanessa Carlton just to write “Losing A Whole Year.” Who knows, maybe the song title is meant to be taken literally once you account for travel time.
It’s a song about a poor little rich girl who wants to meet a dark, tortured soul (and as I am writing this I am realizing that I am simultaneously writing a summary of 50 Shades of Grey.)
“Rich daddy left you with a parachute/ Your voice sounds like money and your face is cute/ But your daddy left you with no love/ Now you touch everything with a velvet glove.”
Ugh. Always with the daddy issues. Am I the only girl whose father ever loved her? In the 90’s, maybe the answer is yes.
Jenkins continues: “Now you wanna try your life of sin/ You wanna be down with the down and in/ Always copping my truths/ I kinda get the feeling like I’m being used.”
Get used to it, Stephan. Girls are going to seek you out as a member of the “down and in” for the brief remainder of your life.
American Hi-Fi - “Flavor of the Weak”
The song opens with strong imagery: “She paints her nails and she don't know/ He's got her best friend on the phone.” Oh SHIT. This guy has clearly never heard of GIRL CODE. But it only gets worse.
The only thing he gives to her: His dirty clothes
His political views: Too stoned
His hobbies: Nintendo
His interior decorations: Posters of all the girls he wished she was and pictures of all the girls he loved before
I would say that she should get back at him by dating HIS best friend, but let’s be real here, we can all infer that his best friend is probably just as worthless.
The Offspring - Entire discography
This band really shows the true meaning of what it is to be in a relation-SHIT (pardon the Dane Cook reference. I had to.)
Whether you are begging your significant other to get off their ass and get a job (“Why Don’t You Get A Job”), wishing your girl hadn’t had seven shots of Jager and hooked up with another guy (“Spare Me The Details”), enduring a girl who moans about abandonment issues on the second date (“She’s Got Issues”), having a girl blow you off mercilessly only to take her back and make her dessert (“Self Esteem”), or raising kids while your babydaddy is out trying to tap every girl he knows (“Hit That”), The Offspring covers it all.
So, go listen to The Offspring on Spotify, and forget about your sad plight as a single person. You don’t need anyone. You do you.
Maybe listen to a little Tweet while you’re at it, too.
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