the 7 deadly sins of relient k

7. Thou Shalt Not Fake Your Own Suicide

It might seem like the only option right now, Matt Thiessen, but faking your own suicide is never the answer.

While the book of Leviticus does not specifically prohibit faking your own suicide, I’m pretty sure that doing so is almost as bad as having relations with a menstruating woman (which it does specifically prohibit). In an interview with Jesus Freak Hideout (Really.), Thiessen mentions that at first, his bandmate’s mom was concerned that the song was too controversial. But ultimately, they decided, whatever, Christian rock fans are cool, they’ll understand.

6. Thou Shalt Not Say You Are Wasting 10 Seconds Of My Life But In Actuality Waste 12

Just, why.

5. Thou Shalt Not Bring Your Cell Phone To Six Flags

Because you’ll lose it in the lake beneath the Batman ride, duh! Wasn’t that worth writing a song about?!

As a wise friend of mine once stated upon watching a youth group attempt to steal a street sign, “Poor Christian kids. They are so confused about how to have fun.”

4. Thou Shalt Not Cheat On Your Super Cute DJ Girlfriend

As anyone can tell you, Matt Thiessen dated an Atlanta alternative rock DJ (does dating the guy from a “Christian Punk” band improve your cred or remove it entirely?) and then proposed to her and then cheated on her and then got dumped by her and then wrote an entire album about her. Duh. It’s common knowledge.

On this track, Thiessen really extended his hardcore reach by calling upon his friend from Underoath (Really. Underoath.) to help him capture just how raw and screamo the whole ordeal was. The desert imagery starts off strong with mention of “dying of thirst” and “chalk on his tongue.” Man. Who knew saving it for marriage could be so...dry?!

3. Thou Shalt Not Compare Yourself To John Cusack

This is John Cusack.

This is you.

2. Thou Shalt Not Sell Your Books To Buy Tickets to Dave Matthews Band

As a UVA alum, this one cuts deep. There is no book in the world upon which I’d wish this fate. Not even my books for Death and Dying. Or Slavic Folklore.

1. Thou Shalt Not Write A Song About Marilyn Manson Eating Your Girlfriend

I’m pretty sure you’d be better off getting like seven abortions.